Mr. Lava Reports - Eurovision Performers Arrive

I am in Düsseldorf ("Dull Village") to cover the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. The Eurovison Press Centre opens on Saturday, an event seen by many as the unofficial start of the Eurovision Song Contest. Rehearsals begin the following day.

So the first Eurovision performers are arriving! I spent an amusing half-hour watching the unpacking of Eric Saade (Sweden) from his crate. Even with a few loose packing peanuts stuck in his hair he looks more life-like than Madame Tussaud's best work. His blank stare is unsettling, but once he is animated by the talented Euro Disney Imagineers he will "come to life" and thrill an estimated 125 million people around the world.

I wanted to take the Maja Keuc animatronic out to the Günnewig Rheinturm Restaurant. She is a simulation of an 18 year-old Slovenian female (though in fact she has been in development since the Tito era). She is abundantly attractive and, the Eurovision site says, programmed to be "a self-critical girl, with both feet on the ground and a firm belief in the good in this world."

Sadly, Belarus's crate, which contained Anastasiya Vinnikova, arrived damaged, and rats appear to have gnawed off one-third of Ms. Vinnikova's "living skin," revealing the Terminator-like hydraulics underneath. While it is doubtful she will look herself during the first round of rehearsals, Belarus believes the biologically-engineered flesh-like substance will grow back in time for the semi-finals. More worrying than these cosmetic issues, however, is the damage done to her singing voice, which is now a deep, metallic gonging sound. A new voice-box will arrive from Minsk soon.

Sweden's "Popular" Worst Song of Eurovision 2011

I've heard 'em all, and the worst Eurovision 2011 competitor is not Armenia's "Boom Boom," though there has been some debate. No, it's Sweden's "Popular." And lest there be any momentum building behind this song, any at all (Pop Justice seems to like it), it's time to bring down the hammer.

"Popular" is performed by 20 year-old Eric Saade. The gist of the song is that our protagonist fervently wishes to be popular so that he might impress some chick. He expresses this desire with the grace and subtlety of a Columbine High School shooter. "I will be POP-ular! I will be POP-ular!" he hisses.

Problems with the song are evident in its opening lines. "STOP! DON'T SAY THAT IT'S IMPOSS-IBLE!" Mr. Saade begins, "'CUZ I KNOW! IT'S POSS-IBLE!" every syllable enunciated with the zeal of a serial killer repeatedly stabbing his victim. Rhyming "impossible" with "it's possible" is pretty amazing, but there's also something jarring about starting a song with the word "STOP!"

"Sorry, Eric, but the thought of you actually getting that chick to notice you is just impossi—"

"STOP!"

"?"

"DON'T SAY THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Well, how do you know it isn't impossible?"

"'CUZ I KNOW! IT'S POSS-IBLE!"

Then comes the chorus, which is ripped off of this very-80s tune from fellow Swedes Lili & Susie. Note that underneath the Lili and Susie video the top-rated comment (163 thumbs-up and rising) is "Hörde precis Eric Saade sjunga den här låten i melodifestivalen 2011..." Which translates to: "Just heard Eric Saade sing this song in Melodifestivalen 2011."

But one should not be surprised by the derivative nature of the tune, considering that the author of "Popular" is Fredrick Kempe, who ripped off "Nessun Dorma" when he penned "La Voix," Sweden's Eurovision 2009 entry. Lest you think that was only a coincidence, one need only recall that Mr. Kempe gave us a thoroughly trashed-up version of "Nessun Dorma" himself back in 2002. Anyway, this appropriating spirit is befitting the land of the Pirate Bay.

Not much else going on in "Popular" lyrically, though "My body wants you girl" is worth a mention.

All this is delivered with the bluster of hurricane whirling round and round as it charts a random course farther and farther out to sea. The lights are flashing, the dancers gyrating, Eric is spitting "I will be POP-ular!" And then, at 2:30, there is shattering glass.

To be fair, there is one other Eurovision 2011 competitor that arguably is worse than "Popular," and that is Belarus's bizarre, ultra-nationalistic entry, which comes on the heels of yet another rigged election and violent crackdown on peaceful protesters in that country. The current entry, "I Love Belarus," features a young woman repeatedly telling us that she loves Belarus. But the country's original song submission, pulled because of a lyrics dispute with the Eurovision organizers, was called "Born In Byelorussia," and waxed nostalgic on the good old USSR days. ("Born in Byelorussia! USSR time! Byelorussia! Crazy and so fine!")

But the audacious, gawk-worthiness of Belarus's Eurovision antics are at least somewhat interesting. "Popular" is just incredibly irritating.

Goodbye, Eric! See you around! Hope you become POP-ular! Jeez...

Swedish Royal Wedding

Yesterday, Princess Victoria of Sweden married her fitness instructor (i.e., one of the "small people"), Clark Kent, aka Daniel Westling, in a lavish ceremony.

There is an unfortunate tradition of insipid ballad-singing that accompanies wishing a couple well. As an an amateur ethnomusicologist, I submit these two Swedish examples.





Addendum (25 June 2010)-- Might as well add this, right?



...and this. Can you take any more?



Addendum (5 July 2010)-- The hits keep coming. My god, I'm ready to drive a nail right through my eardrums.

10 Days with Europe's Top 10 Pop Music Scenes. #6.

Number 6: Sweden. 9.19% GREEN (9.19% of that country's charting songs earned top marks on my spreadsheet)

A Swede once told me that Sweden, more than any tropical destination, was the land of sun-worshippers, because after the long, dark winter nobody appreciates the return of the sun more. Perhaps that explains Sweden's love for sunny pop (and the frequent use of reggae beats in their pop tunes).

Every Swedish pop group stands in the long shadow of ABBA, but Eurovision's only truly successful band is far from the only well-known Swedish export. Consider Ace of Base and Roxette (which, despite short careers in the U.S., have sustained a loyal following in Europe) and, to a lesser extent (time will tell), Alcazar and Robyn. But that's just looking at the surface. Behind-the-scenes, Stockholm producer/songwriter Max Martin may become as huge a cultural influence as ABBA, having written an astonishingly large number of top 40 hit songs for many American artists.

There seems to be some sort of partnership between the Swedish recording industry and Disney (perhaps distantly related to Max Martin's early work with former Mouseketeer Britney Spears), judging from the appearance of Swedish pop groups on Disney soundtracks (including Play [which have recently regrouped] and The Merrymakers), and the propensity for Disney stars to rework Swedish tunes (such as Hilary Duff, who offered a craven, G-rated take on Swedish singer Sahlene's delightfully raunchy "The Little Voice"*). In other marketing tie-ins, most of us Americans are familiar with Teddybears' "Different Sound" thanks to its effective use in an Intel advertisement which, judging from this, had some pop cultural traction.

I wish I could describe each of the dozens of great Europop artists of Sweden's recent past, but that would be an especially exhausting exercise. Suffice it to say, whether tackling pop dance, rap, rock, heavy metal, or even jazz, Sweden's music artists are always ready to unleash The Big Hook. OK, there have been some misfires as well, but still...

Here are a large number of good/interesting Swedish songs from the last couple of years:

Adiam Dymott - Miss You
Aextra - Himmu and Höll
Agnes [Carlsson] - On And On
Alcazar - Stay the Night
Jazzattacks - Bootleg
Mange Schmidt - Ledig
Maskinen - Dansa med vapen (feat. Marina Gasolina)
Melody Club - The Only Ones
P-Bros feat DJ Trexx and Olga Pratilova- Tingaliin
Sabaton - Cliffs Of Gallipoli
Salem - Astronaut
The Sounds - No One Sleeps When I'm Awake
Veronica Maggio - Måndagsbarn


* "The Little Voice" was written by Patrik Berger, a Swede, and Kara DioGuardi, an American who is now best known as an "American Idol" judge.


The rest of the countdown so far:

#7: Lithuania
#8: Ukraine
#9: Slovenia
#10: The Netherlands

Swedes Invade the Hostel

From Kiev, Ukraine

Every bed in the hostel is occupied, and even the employees are having to make sacrifices. Two employees slept in our room and had to endure Piet's amazing snoring. The next night they opted for the kitchen instead.

This is because a group of Swedish high school kids have arrived. They are finishing their secondary school experiences and will soon take tests to determine their future career tracks.

They are here to learn specifically about how Swedish business in conducted abroad. So they are visiting various Swedish companies based here in Kiev. One of the instructors explained to me over breakfast that there are certainly warmer destinations to consider taking the kids to, but that Kiev is cheaper, and so they come here.