My Review of the One Step Independence Square Hostel in Kiev, Ukraine

From Kiev, Ukraine

A fellow guest told me he was offered a 50% discount to write a positive review of the hostel. I was offered no such discount myself, so I will say what I will. The hostel was very clean, the staff was responsive, and the wi-fi was a great convenience. Some of the guests were disturbed by the proprietor's fondness for taking showers with the bathroom door open, his habit of shouting out the names of his employees ad nauseam, and his tendency to wander around the premises clad only in extremely tiny underwear, but perhaps these were simply misunderstood tokens of Ukrainian hospitality.

(In truth, I have it on good authority that this is the best hostel in Kiev, so be sure to consider it if you find yourself in that city.)

Gorchitza Live Project - Crystal Hall - 22 January 2010

From Kiev, Ukraine

Sexy dancers in sci-fi clothing and a young woman braided like Yulia Tymoshenko were among the many hundreds of people crammed into an invitation-only music performance in honor of the official opening of Crystal Hall, a venue said to be Kiev's biggest nightclub.

Gorchitza kicked things off with a lively set of funky house tunes. Their singles "Time is Right," "One True Message," and the currently charting "Final Cut" went over well and saw many in the crowd singing along. But the new material from their forthcoming album was particularly tantalizing, especially a track called "Friend," which saw singer Allois depart halfway through as the tune transformed into a tough-as-nails instrumental techno workout that tore up the dancefloor. Considering Gorchitza has solid English-language lyrics married to clever musical ideas, all they need now is some international distribution and a few good gigs in other countries to find them fans outside Ukraine.

Jay Sebag, aka "The Voice of Martin Solveig" who has been lending his vocals to the popular French DJ's hit tunes for years, belted out a set of Solveig tunes. Think of it as particularly brilliant karaoke. The diminutive Mr. Sebag doesn't look like he should have a voice that big, which makes watching him strut up and down the stage working the crowd all the more wonderful.

DJ's Light and Lulik steered the ship competently throughout the night.

And I can't give a bad review to the two rapper guys and DJ from Moscow, because somebody else at the club last night did, and after the would-be critic told them that they sucked one of the rappers leaped off the stage and kicked him in the head. So I will simply note that these tough guys have a bright future ahead of them performing medleys of other artists' top 40 songs and kicking people in the head.

The Kiev Metro

From Kiev, Ukraine

At various camouflaged locations all over Kiev there are metro stations. The entrances to these are tucked away amongst various shops and stores. To find one, just look for the "M" hovering above the entrance. It's a bit like finding Waldo, minus the fun.

Once you locate the entrance to the metro, you descend some stairs into an underground shopping mall. The mall is a good place to observe beggars, entrepreneurial babushkas, and groups of teenagers sipping from open containers of alcohol.

More menacing than drunken teenagers are the police officers walking in groups of two, three, or more as they patrol the area. They are there to serve and protect. And to hassle you. Do not. Under any circumstances. Make eye contact with the police officers.

Once in the underground mall you spend still more frustrating minutes trying to locate the entrance to the metro itself. Sometimes there is a sign directing you to that entrance, and sometimes there isn't.

Eventually you find it. You buy your tokens from a woman at a window near the entrance, place a plastic blue coin into the turnstyle slot, and away you go.

In some metro stations at some times of day the crowds are terrifying. People flow towards the escalator in a waddling mass, bodies crushed against one another. Your ears are bludgeoned by a cacophony of shuffling and stomping and shoving.

You are made especially aware of that noise when you are jostled onto the escalator, for then a sharply-contrasting quiet falls. You have entered the eye of the hurricane. Everyone stands still, their once-shuffling feet now silenced, as they rush downward into the bowels of the city. The machinery moving the escalator makes a menacing throbbing sound. Occasionally a coin rolls by, released by some kid above you who is curious about how far it can go before it bounces off of something.

While the escalator itself moves swiftly, the journey is long. (And some metro stations require two long escalator rides.) People going up survey those coming down (and vice versa) with impassive stares. Advertisements glow in light boxes along the way to tempt the captive audience. Lauren tells me that many of them are advertisements for the advertising spaces they occupy.

Your ears detect the coming roar of the crowd. You exit the eye and reenter the storm. The sounds of shuffling and stomping and shoving fills the air once again as the crowd peels off into opposite directions towards their subway cars.

Jazz at Art Club 44

A fun night at Kiev's legendary live music venue. Two bands played. Their drummers "dueled" at the beginning, then delivered some impressive solos. After that they were joined by other instruments, first by a jazz-funk instrumental duo (with a lightning-fast bassist), followed by a smooth instrumental jazz ensemble featuring both drummers, which proved surprisingly fun after three half liters of Stella. Everything was indeed...most excellent.

Ukraine - Hostel Booked

"Irony" has been the operative word this week here in sunny Atlanta, where temperatures plummeted into the teens (that's in degrees Fahrenheit) and two inches of snow and ice prevented most friends from making it to my Friday "Going to Kiev" get-together. There is a larger party tonight which will make up for some of that.

My friend Nathan, at whose Decatur house I am staying, was not able to drive up the steep and icy hill just outside his front door, so we nixed our last Vortex/Apres Diem night plans and hiked to the James Joyce Pub instead.

The hike was fun. In the early darkness we wandered through a woodsy area where some unknown wild animal crunched around in the leaves by the trail (my wind-up power flashlight failed to flush it out, but I'm sure it was a wolf ;-)). As we crossed a small bridge a MARTA train gracefully swung by underneath, its amber windows glowing and a few passengers visible as it glided towards Atlanta.

Once at the James Joyce bar counter, an older woman walked up behind Nathan and put her hands over his eyes saying, "I hope you're who I think you are." He wasn't, and she laughed and apologized and went on about how she had met somebody at the bar before who wore a sweater similar to Nathan's. It was all terribly awkward. I suspect this was her version of a pick-up line; that her story was fiction. This being my last Friday night in Atlanta for at least a few months, I was not interested in having a kooky woman invite herself into the conversation so that she could awkwardly hit on married Nathan.

Fortunately, friends Bryan and Laura arrived. Conversation was delightful. Laura flushed out plans to pursue freelance writing, we speculated about what the best bar in America is (and what qualities a great bar should have in the first place), and we weighed the merits of Def Leppard versus Poison. Bryan and Laura gave us a lift back to the top of Nathan's hill, we hiked down it, and after going to bed at 11 PM I awoke refreshed enough to be penning this blog entry.

Today I booked three nights at a hostel in Kiev, so I now have a place to go when I arrive. Picking one was tough; many highly-rated hostels can be found on the hostelworld.com website. I told myself I could sample several during my visit if I so desire, so if I'm unhappy with the first one I'll just move on to another.

Tours to Chernobyl were advertised on the web site as costing "a small fee," but the confirmation email revealed that small fee to be 120 euro per person, which is not a small fee at all. Will likely have to do this, though; it's a rare opportunity.

Back of my heel is injured, but Nathan, who leads a very active lifestyle, quickly diagnosed the condition and recommended stretching exercises that will, over time, solve the problem. I already sense improvement.

Planning Stage: Ukraine (Part 2: Kiev Nightlife)

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Well, my sister, who is sensible, is not on board with my doing this, so I regret I mentioned it to her. It's a shame some people cannot be told things; they force us to become liars.

Packing of belongings is moving along. I am patching holes in my apartment walls and boxing up my library. I hope to be more than halfway moved out this week and completely moved out by end of next (save my mattress, computer, DJ equipment, and some other essentials).

More Kiev

Ukraine's brutal presidential campaign will culminate on 17 January, provided swine flu paranoia doesn't delay the vote. I want to be there for that.

Hotels in Kiev are expensive. Renting an apartment will not get you a good value either (prices online suggest a nightly rate that is about the same as what you'd pay for the Holiday Inn Express here in the states, which is to say around $60 a night). As Bradt's travel guide notes, Kiev has yet to discover the budget hotel. One can take a gamble and rent an apartment for possibly much cheaper from any number of entrepreneurs, but Bradt's discourages this (too many ways to get scammed).

The only other options are hostels or a personal connection with a couch to sleep on. I would prefer the latter, as the hostels look like the usual 4 to 8 bunks per room, and it takes just one snorer to spoil everything. (If it should come to that, I will certainly be bringing my noise cancellation headphones and earplugs with me.)

Regarding Ukraine night life, it seems a large number of dance clubs also double as strip clubs and casinos. Some of these are described as "entertainment centers," and their website splash pages begin at that broader level, with a menu to narrow the scope for the different specific offerings.

Heaven looks like a potentially fun place (I love their advertising), though again I fear it may be too trendy for me. Clips on YouTube show the usual gyrating, scantily-clad professional club dancers on the bar counter. But in studying so many clubs in Eastern Europe lately I'm beginning to recognize that such may simply be the norm for club culture in that region, so sexy girl dancers perhaps does not equal pretentious in that part of the world. Indie bands play live at Heaven also, which is a positive sign.

Arena Night Club looks primarily to be a big-name place, for the likes of Antoine Clamaran, David Guetta, and Inna.

Disco Radio Hall, formerly Modabar, looks like an especially promising venue. The pop is clearly right up front (they put Katy Perry on one flier). I will definitely aim for this one.

Cocktail Bar 111 is situated in a posh hotel. Reviews are mixed, but it sounds as if it could be appealingly trashy.

Pa Ti Pa had Hungarian ex-porn star turned DJ Niki Belucci perform; she removed her clothing while DJ'ing as well. As it turns out, there are other Kiev venues where topless girls DJ. Which makes for some formidable competition.

Tiësto has played Decadence. Fave Ukrainian house group Gorchitza has also. Described as "ultra exclusive," one site says the door policy can be "harsh." It does look lavish, and therefore is probably not my kind of place.

Azhur is described as an "unpretentious" disco. Decor and music are based on the 60s-80s. That would be a fun and interesting DJ challenge. Crowd looks older, unsurprising considering the retro atmosphere. The venue looks quite beautiful and the door policy is relaxed.

Random Observations

Friend Darko from Croatia on the subject of whether or not I can play turbofolk in the Balkans: "Turbofolk? Do not go there!"

Renting an apartment in Tallinn, Estonia for a month is far more reasonable and affordable than renting an apartment in Kiev.

If a cop asks for your passport on the streets of Kiev, you give it to him to look at. If a cop asks for your passport on the streets of Bucharest, you don't. That's because in Romania real cops don't ask to see your passport; only cop impersonators do this.

Planning Stage: Ukraine (Part 1)

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I have a difficult time appreciating today's Russian pop music (the once-mighty Tatu now seem a lifetime ago). It must come down to some sort of a cultural divide that, without considerable effort (perhaps involving the application of blowtorches), I cannot traverse. However, I am optimistic that I can overcome this prejudice. Consider: I used to look down on turbofolk and its various offshoots, but now I find that music to be quite pleasurable (like the hardcore techno I used to enjoy in the days of my youth, turbofolk puts a pot over your head and hammers away at it until you are senseless, which can sometimes be a good thing). So, with luck, one day I will connect with my inner Russian and learn to enjoy Russian pop music.

Ukraine, as their soon-to-be ousted President Viktor Yushchenko will tell you, is not Russia. Ukraine has had an ugly relationship with Russia pretty much forever. A Holodomor (the alleged mass-starvation of Ukrainians under orders of Joseph Stalin) marks the lowest point. If you read carefully you'll note my use of the word "alleged," and if you follow the preceding Wikipedia link you'll find the familiar "The neutrality of this article is disputed" at the top of the page. That's because Russia denies that Stalin deliberately targeted Ukrainians. To say that he did would be to accept that his was an act of genocide, and "genocide" is always a prickly word in foreign affairs. Whenever genocide is mentioned you always have to witness the same song and dance, the one where you have the victim country giving a high-end number of people killed while the accused aggressor country gives a low-end number of people killed; and the victim country always says that they were deliberately and specifically targeted, and the aggressor country always says, "Oh no, it was just a terrible tragedy that took the lives of people on our side as well," and this is all really quite tiresome to witness over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

After the Orange Revolution of 2004, which heralded a break from communist tradition and ushered in a government that was more EU-focused, Russia began a tradition of hammering Ukraine (like turbofolk hammers that pot on your head) over gas transit fees. Every month of the year, be it winter or summer, there is always some new story about problems with Ukraine paying for gas and Russia complaining about this, which in some instances has led to Russia cutting off the pipeline entirely, which then results in collateral damage in the EU (e.g., shivering Bulgarians). Some variation of this continuing drama will undoubtedly play out once again this winter, and I desperately hope to be in Ukraine when it happens.

Russian pop groups are welcome to crash the Ukrainian top 40. The majority of the Slavic-tongued songs on the Ukrainian pop charts are from Ukrainian artists (e.g., Dazzle Dreams, Druga Rika, Gaytana, Gorchitza, Quest Pistols, Tina Karol, and some of the 11 members and former members of the girl group VIA gra). But the likes of Dima Bilan (Дима Билан) and Fabrika (Фабрика) still graze in Ukraine's top 40 pastures. There is also an interesting issue about Ukrainian performers who sing in Russian instead of Ukrainian, which some feel is traitorous, especially since President Yuschenko has long pushed to make Ukrainian the sole official language of the country. However, when one considers the much larger Russian-speaking market it seems not particularly shocking that Russian would be an attractive language to sing in for some Ukrainian artists.

Eurovision has made minor stars out of two Ukrainians. The first was Ruslana, who won the whole competition back in 2004 just before the Orange Revolution took place (in fact, she became an avid supporter of the Orange Revolution and even sat briefly in the Ukrainian rada, or parliament). The second was Verka Serduchka, who, well, you just have to see this.

Actually, any country where Verka could become a superstar must have a lot to recommend it. They say that a society can be judged by how it treats its poor; I think the same could also be said for how it treats its LGBT community. But Wikipedia says that the guy playing Verka is, if gay, a closeted one, and so perhaps there are still some issues to be sorted out over there.

Ukraine may wind up being the place I visit first, since January will see their elections (so far this year no candidates have been poisoned), and it's also the time of year when the Russians are most likely to cut off the gas, which would just be interesting. My friend Andrew may also be there at the same time, which would make things especially fun.

My Ukraine research has been pretty light, but the places I know already I would like to visit are Kiev and Lviv, which are both fairly Western-friendly places. Sevastopol and parts east, near the Russian border, are generally more Russian, and, as an American, I am not sure how I would be greeted in such areas.

In the coming days I will write more about the clubs of Ukraine, my favorite music artists from that country, and the discos I am contacting in the hopes of DJ'ing over there.

In other news, here are my recent music recommendations on my other web site.