Monday, May 9, 2011
Mr. Lava Reports - I'm Dreaming of a White Eurovision
Like garrulous seagulls lured by crackers, a flock of shrieking white people has descended upon Düsseldorf for the Eurovision Song Contest 2011 (the first semi-final is held tomorrow). While it's true that three countries' delegations did not get the memo and sent unusually dark faces (these offenders are Norway, San Marino, and the UK--the last country having sent a man-group with one black dude in it), the remainder of the 43 competitors are wondrously light-complexioned!
This is great news for disgruntled Germans whose Aryan causes have been severely curtailed by anti-discrimination laws for decades. At last, an unabashed celebration of white culture will be held on German soil!
Human snowflakes of goodwill are settling on the Altstadt under the auspices of the towering stuffed remains of Knut the Polar Bear, a snow-white martyr for the Aryan culture that transformed Germany into the leading European power that it is today (it must be said, though, that Knut's looking a little ragged on account of being picked apart by souvenir hunters--couldn't the city have sprung for extra security?).
White though this Euroworld may be, it is not intolerant, for even Israel's Jews have been warmly welcomed on Düsseldorf's soil. That's because today there is an even greater enemy to confront: the Muslim masses that threaten to overthrow Europe and force the burqa upon us all. Do you want to wear a burqa? Fuck no!
(Muslims, it should be said, are also represented at Eurovision. They look pretty white, don't they?)
A whiter celebration--and a whiter collection of tunes--you will never find than at Eurovision 2011! Why, three nations from the Caucasus will perform in tomorrow's semi-final! Slovenia's song entry is actually called "Vanilija"!
While Europe's Top 40 is filled with the likes of American and British R&B performers of dark complexion (Rihanna, Tinchy Stryder, Snoop Dogg, Puff Diddly-Do-Good), Eurovision remains white white white! And so, standing here in the Altstadt today, I feel like one among millions of Caspers--as in the friendly ghosts--drifting like pale plankton through a pasty white sea of Eurolove!