Tuesday, November 16, 2010

All DJs Are 80s Teen Sex Comedy Characters

All DJs can be divided into four basic categories. These categories mirror the major players in American 1980s teen sex comedies.

(Note: female DJs are in the extreme minority in the DJ world; similarly, female characters in 80s teen sex comedies were usually ciphers. So, just as 80s teen sex comedies did, we focus on the guys.)

1) Jock DJs

In 80s teen sex comedies, the jocks rule the roost. They have ascended to this rank due to a fortunate mix of genes and testosterone. In these movies, they are also the least-interesting characters, due to a complete lack of taste, intellect, and individuality.

In the DJ world, these are the folks who spin the Rihanna remix followed by the latest Black Eyed Peas tune followed by Katy Perry. Their extroverted nature enables them to confidently hustle their skills, and clubs that are run by similarly-minded people hire them to entertain their patrons. These DJs make a good day-to-day living. Nobody who cares about music respects them, but it is impossible for these hyper-extroverts to notice or to care.


2) Nerd DJs

In 80s teen sex comedies, the nerds pursue sex under the misguided notion that women will be impressed by their extensive knowledge of computer languages and comic books. The women are not (except for that quirky female character who sees and appreciates the nerd for who he is, but is fated to be the perpetual "girl friend" instead of "girlfriend" as said nerd misdirects his energies toward bedding the head cheerleader).

In the DJ world, these are the DJs who focus on underappreciated genres--IDM in the 90s and early 2000s; dubstep today. They express frustration over their genre's lack of commercial acceptance (despite the fact that singles from that genre regularly appear on the UK dance charts). They emphasize how real their scene is.


3) Preppy DJs

In 80s teen sex comedies, preppies are generally well-adjusted, fashionable smart-alecs with all the right moves. Often, they are also enviously clever assholes. Like jocks, they are conformists, but they substitute intellect for the former's testosterone-fueled aggression.

The vast majority of DJs on DJ Magazine's Top 100 list are preppy DJs. They know what is in fashion, what is "right" in respectable dance music circles, and they always do the right thing to promote themselves. Yet their robotic nature (demonstrated by their perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect photo-shoots, and perfectly large bank accounts) can be alienating. Jock DJs beware: a preppy DJ is most likely to fuck your girlfriend.


4) Slob DJs

In 80s teen sex comedies, the slobs pick their noses sans embarrassment and shrug when they pass gas. Their redeeming feature is their interest in partying at any cost, and their willingness to sacrifice themselves, their bodies, and their reputations selflessly in the pursuit of a good time. They are always in the moment, yet never "all there."

Hailing from the Fatboy Slim school of thought, the slob DJs spin whatever they want whenever they want, so long as the music generates some sort of a buzz. Why not combine 80s rap with Viking metal? This ADHD attitude can result in a jarring listening experience for the audience. The slob DJ is most likely to train-wreck, but so what?--that's just the nature of the beast. Note: slob DJs are the best DJs.

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