Mr. Lava Reports - Looking Ahead to Semi-Final Two

Blogger finally restored this entry on 18 May. It was originally posted on 11 May, then deleted about 24 hours later during a catastrophic Blogger failure. I have backdated this entry to its original post date.

In light of various performance catastrophes (e.g., “Boom Boom [Chucka Chucka]),” nine Eurovision competitors were kicked off the field this Tuesday. In theory, that means nine countries worth of people are not going to tune into the finals on Saturday. After Thursday night's second and last semi-final, a further nine countries worth of people will be doing something else Saturday night. Every country that fails to watch the final is, directly or indirectly, lost revenue for the Eurovision Song Contest, but of course, with varying degrees of financial power and a wide range of populations amongst them, some countries are more profitable to “lose” than others. So, by measurement of population alone, Turkey’s departure on Tuesday was the most disastrous. On the other hand, San Marino and Malta will be little missed.

This cruelly Randian financial logic is effectively why we have “The Big Five” countries, which are given an utterly unfair free pass to the Eurovision Finals on Saturday in order to guarantee viewership and reward associated investment. The Big Five are France, Germany (which would have gotten a pass anyway this year, since the previous year’s contest winner also automatically advances), Italy (undoubtedly seeking placation after a sulky 13 year absence from the contest), Spain, and the United Kingdom. These countries contain the overwhelming majority of Europe’s people and have decent to strong economies, which translates to more viewers and more dollars that ultimately wind their way back to the competition. In other words, the demands of the free market drive greedy/sensible Eurovision to adopt an unfair, non-competitive tack when it comes to dealing with the five biggest backers of Eurovision. This sort of paradoxical logic, where capitalism smoothly blurs into Animal Farm “more equal than others” non-competitive favoritism, is the sort of stuff that drove the trust-busting Republican Theodore Roosevelt nuts.

Speaking of curtailed democracy, one can make a compelling argument that this conundrum is why the jury system was reintroduced into the contest in the last couple of years (the official reason was to counter supposed “bloc-voting,” a phenomenon Big Five countries especially harped upon where countries vote in a knee-jerk manner for their neighbors). So, a chunk of the votes are cast by the people of Europe, and another chunk come from mysterious panels of supposed music experts based in each country, which I will henceforth call “Star Chambers.”

But we can boo and hiss the jury system and the Big Five on Saturday! I just wanted to offer you a little foreshadowing. Thursday night is all about selecting another ten delegations to send to the finals, an activity which, from Eurovision’s bean-counting perspective, also amounts to learning which nine countries’ TVs will be dark on Saturday. I’ll be watching, and will offer a complete synopsis afterward. I’ll also come clean about how well my own predictions went. I'm not feeling so confident about those, considering all the aforementioned weird forces at work!

Mr. Lava Reports - Loving Belarus

Evidence suggests that Belarus invented a face-saving story to spin the reason for why their original Eurovision Song Contest 2011 submission, “Born in Byelorussia,” had to be scuttled.

Belarusian singer Anastasiya Vinnikova takes the stage Thursday night at Eurovision Semi-Final Two singing “I Love Belarus,” and it will likely be your only chance to see this gawk-worthy disaster in the making, since the song hasn’t a prayer of advancing to the final (though voting it through might be a worthwhile prank).

Belarus’s original Eurovision 2011 song offering was called “Born In Byelorussia,” a celebration of life in the good old days of communism—which for Belarus continue! The lyrics to that earlier effort included: "Born in Byelorussia! USSR time! Byelorussia! Crazy and so fine!"

Sensing controversy, something image-hypersensitive Eurovision does not want any of, on 3 March 2011 the event organizers pressed for a lyric change, tactfully noting in a press release that “questions and doubts have come up regarding the lyrics of the Belarusian entry,” and further explaining that
“The song quoted memories from Soviet Union times as well as the historical name of Byelorussia, which is not officially used anymore these days.”

But a different story is told in a video posted to YouTube on the following day, 4 March 2011. The channel, which says it originates from Russia, with an associated website that includes specialized looks at Belarus's and Russia's Eurovision history, reports that the song was performed before last year’s cut-off date, and was therefore disqualified for non-political reasons.

Either way, the result was a complete overhaul for the song, which brings us to “I Love Belarus.”

Can you think of one good reason not to love Belarus? Except the police brutality, mysterious “suicides” of investigative journalists, and the arresting of opposition leaders? Well, I could think of several. Like how President Lukashenko, elected in 1994, now appears to be their president for life. And how the government announced plans to ship jailed opposition leaders’ kids to orphanages. Or the nagging suspicion that the president himself was behind a recent subway bombing (the government is trying to pin the blame on, once again, those mysterious, omnipresent “opposition figures").

But who cares what reasons I might have for not loving Belarus? I'm just a fake Eurotrash DJ! Let’s take an objective survey of today’s newspaper headlines instead:

The Wall Street Journal: “Russia Refuses to Bail Out Belarus”
Reuters: “Russia refuses to bail out wayward ally Belarus”
AFT: “Belarus opposition journalist goes to trial”
Monsters and Critics: “EU lawmakers call for a suspension of Belarus hockey championship”
Index on Censorship: “Five former presidential candidates now on trial in Belarus”
New York Times: “Belarus Currency Plunges After Rule Change”

But perhaps today was just a bad day. Or maybe everything you’ve just read is suspect, because…

Kyiv Post: “Lukashenko: Information war unleashed against Belarus.”

See? I’m just part of the conspiracy!

Mr. Lava Reports - Predictions for Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final Two

These are my predictions regarding who will survive Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final Two Tomorrow:

Austria | Nadine Beiler - “The Secret Is Love” | Prediction: YES
Belarus | Anastasiya Vinnikova - "I Love Belarus" | Prediction: NO
Belgium | Witloof Bay - “With Love Baby” | Prediction: NO
Bosnia and Herzegovina | Dino Merlin - “Love In Rewind” | Prediction: YES
Bulgaria | Poli Genova - “Na Inat” | Prediction: YES
Cyprus | Christos Mylordos - “San Aggelos S’Agapisa” | Prediction: NO
Denmark | A Friend In London - “New Tomorrow” | Prediction: YES
Estonia | Getter Jaani - “Rockefeller Street” | Prediction: YES
Ireland | Jedward - “Lipstick” | Prediction: YES
Israel | Dana International - “Ding Dong” | Prediction: NO
Latvia | Musiqq - “Angel In Disguise” | Prediction: YES
Macedonia | Vlatko Ilievski - “Rusinka” | Prediction: NO
Moldova | Zdob și Zdub - “So Lucky” | Prediction: NO
Netherlands | 3JS - “Je Vecht Nooit Alleen” | Prediction: NO
Romania | Hotel FM - “Change” | Prediction: YES
Slovakia | TWiiNS - “I’m Still Alive” | Prediction: NO
Slovenia | Maja Keuc - “Vanilija” | Prediction: NO
Sweden | Eric Saade - “Popular” | Prediction: YES
Ukraine | Mika Newton - “Angel” | Prediction: YES

Mr. Lava Reports - Summary of Semi-Final 1

When you listen to the Eurovision Song Contest 2011 entries as separate entities, the one thing that strikes you immediately is their crapness. But there’s something about seeing those songs performed in the context of the competition itself that, well, sometimes actually enhances that crapness--but that at other times elevates the tunes that happen to be the one-eyed in the kingdom of the blind. Semi-Final One offers us this opportunity to reassess half the Eurovision field. So live, from Düsseldorf, Germany, let the show begin!

Tonight's hosts, Anke Engelke, Stefan Raab, and Judith Raakers, two-thirds of whom are comedians, fail to find the funny, which is miserable considering that they are obligated to make us laugh for only five minutes of the two-hour-plus show. Most of the humor consists of them ribbing one another over their ability or inability to speak other languages.

In their defense, I know from past Eurotrash experience that Stefan Raab is a funny guy. Perhaps being funny in English is more awkward to him than being funny in his native tongue. But the more likely culprit is Eurovision itself. It is clear when one visits the Eurovision official web site that the organizers maintain a very carefully-managed image that strives to avoid all controversy. They take their Euro peace and love vibe (right down to the heart-shaped logo) extremely seriously. This renders the best comic material off-limits.

Every performance is preceded by footage of Germany as experienced through the eyes of (apparently actual) visitors from each of the represented countries. Each short clip begins with that cool tilt-shift camera technique which renders the city as if it were a living, model village; and concludes with the person or persons exclaiming something in their native tongue.

And now...the performances!

The first slot in any semi-final is a thankless one; you are quickly forgotten. This semi-final's sacrificial lamb is Poland’s leggy, raven-haired Magdalena Tul, who belts her song as if clubbing a baby harp seal. She has some pipes on her, and I like the fact that she sings in her own language instead of reaching awkwardly for the less-comfortable universal language of English. But first slot + Polish language lyrics = doomed.

Norway offers a curious, African-influenced tune with quirky/irritating lyrics about things the singer’s grandmother supposedly told her:

"When as a little girl my grandma told me
That I could be just anything that I wanted to"

(which is followed by)

"When as a little girl my grandma told me
That I could be just anything that I wanted to"

Good to have singer Stella Mwangi there, though; she’s one of the only non-white faces at Eurovision 2011 this year, plus she’s quite the leggy looker. But she doesn’t hit the low notes very well. She mentions later in the show that she sang once for Nelson Mandela, but she left out the part of the story where Nelson rose from his chair, hands clasped over his ears, yelling “Shut up shut up SHUT UP!”

Albania’s tune is too much more and not enough less. “ThankyouTHANKYOU!” Scary Woman Singer bellows afterward, with a lunge.

Armenians were already depressed about their chances when “Boom Boom (Chucka Chucka)” was selected as this year’s Eurovision entry. The delegation choreographed a boxing-themed thing, in honor of an Armenian boxer who, one imagines, must have beat the crap out of a Turkish one recently in order to garner such adulation. Two autographed boxing gloves from said boxer were given to Emmy, and the fetching singer explained in a pre-show interview that she would probably toss one out to the audience tonight and save the other for some lucky audience member in Saturday's finals.

So I knew Emmy would bring the boxing gloves, but I didn’t know she’d be sitting in a giant one. The choreography is quite cute, actually. However, the song remains bloody awful--nothing can save it. Emmy yelling out “Armenia!!!!” afterward, as opposed to the usual thanking of the crowd, seems a bit low-class, too, but of course Thursday will see Belarus's none-more-nationalistic "I Love Belarus" performed, so...OK.

Turkey, that perpetual rival of Armenia's, is on next. The country offers a boring rock song featuring lyrics telling us to "live It up" because "life is beautiful."

A segment then follows where Stefan Raab and Anke Engelke lead various Eurovision singers in a sing-a-long of that old German standard “The Happy Wanderer” ("Der fröhliche Wanderer"). Once again, comedy and Eurovision don’t mix.

One of my favorite contenders, Serbia, takes the stage next. Singer Nina is all Edie Sedgwick tonight; think of the women in the Austin Powers movies if you don’t know who Edie Sedgwick was. Song is likable 60s retro-pop befitting that look.

Russia offers a terrible song sung by a chisel-faced guy channeling a less-compelling James Dean. An assisted somersault performed by the backup dancers earns a mighty cheer from the audience.

In case you got too excited watching the somersault, Switzerland hands out Ambien with an inconsequential piece of fluff. IANYAN Magazine's Twitter feed reports that apparently there is a 30 minute rewind capability in the live streaming video. Nobody will be rewinding to this.

Georgia brings back bad memories of Y2K-era nu-metal, with a fetching female singer capably belting the tune against hard rock music before this guy cuts in and starts yelling into his microphone, which creates the unfortunate impression that the country of Georgia is about a decade behind current pop music trends. However, I am impressed that at one point the singer deliberately creates vocal distortion by wrapping her hand around the mic while singing into it. She is as talented as the song is terrible.

“Unfortunately you cannot vote by telegram and we do not accept postcards,” co-host Anke informs the viewers in another failed attempt to be funny. Damn you, Eurovision.

Next up is Finland’s “Da Da Dam.” Title suggests that it will be a horror like “Boom Boom (Chucka Chucka)," but it immediately becomes evident that this guy's lyrics are significantly richer and more earnest than the ones most Eurovision fans feel comfortable listening to. It's an easily, and perhaps deservedly, mocked sentimental tale of a budding environmentalist who expresses a desire to save the earth, but compared to what came before it it sounds like pure poetry. Big roar for this guy at the end. But the rapidly scrolling Twitter feed beside the video screen displays only contempt!

Malta offers a perfectly decent, if forgettable, dance pop tune, complete with divo.

San Marino’s tune is classy, but inescapably dull. That's good; it would be a disaster if San Marino won, because it would bankrupt the tiny country if it had to host the competition in 2012.

Croatia’s leggy blonde singer (how many "leggys" can I use in a single blog entry?) can't hit the low notes, but in a weird way that's a pleasure to me, because it demonstrates how Eurovision nobly continues to eschew auto-tuning. It is the first bona-fide dance song of the night, but it’s not a scorcher. The weird Slash look-alike does not help things. Singer Daria Kinzer does one of those magic dress transformation tricks--a wardrobe change that occurs in the blink of an eye. Now that’s what the rewind feature is for. Song even has a little dubstep breakdown—let history show that dubstep debuted at Eurovision 2011 in the bridge to this song. But a shrug of a tune.

Awww, see quirky Icelanders! Icelanders always so cute! Why look at them! They no fear volcano! They kiss one another and look like Kingston Trio, except more than three!

Hungary serves up the big disco diva anthem that Croatia wanted theirs to be. I like the Hungarian-language second verse. Beat production is solid. A big gay dance song that works.

Oh Portugal always cute too! Like Iceland! Look at them in their bright, colorful clothes, colorful like a children’s book!

Andrew Lloyd Webber apparently defected to Lithuania to write that country's tune, and at one point singer Evelina Sašenko uses sign-language in order to reach out to the hearing impaired--aka, the most fortunate of Eurovision viewers.

When the schmaltzy notes to Azerbaijan’s love ballad begin, we all curl up into a defensive crouch position. And then...

The song is stunning! Beautiful!The production is completely “now,” the beats are chunky enough to keep one alert, and the synths climb dramatically behind the wonderful vocals! Azerbaijan has sent adorable, non-threatening Muslims to the contest! Big win!!!

The high bar set by Azerbaijan puts Greece in an unenviable position. Greek columns appear on stage to remind us of the glory that once was--long, long ago--Greece. A guy stomps out on stage and barks some rap thing. Then, some dude with a big operatic voice takes over. It's like one of those modern art performances where you walk out shaking your head saying, “What the fuck was that?”

We're done! But unlike all those other reality competition shows, the performance and the results show are in one package, so we will soon learn who advances to the finals on Saturday. It’s sad to think that almost half of them have to go home tonight, as opposed to most.

While the votes are tabulated, Cold Steel Drumline are sent out to remind Eurovision fans what black men look like. These guys are American--so what are they doing here? Apparently they played on one of popular German performer Peter Fox’s albums. Drumlines, are of course, awesome. But maybe not for ten minutes. A guy runs across some drums at the end--that's pretty cool.

Before the results there’s the awkward “There are some countries that have already qualified for the final…” statement, which always must ignore the obvious and perpetual problem with "the big five" who do that, which is that they earn their automatic ticket to the final due to their being the biggest financial investors in the competition. That's sort of like if the U.S., with all its lucrative Olympic Games advertising revenue, were able to bribe the International Olympic Committee to have its athletes bypass all the qualifying heats for the final races.

Results are in, announced in random order (presumably to avoid creating voter bias for the finals). The Top 10 that will advance to Saturday's final are:

Serbia, the Edie Sedgwick one!
Lithuania, the Andrew Lloyd Webber one!
Greece, the piece of shit one!
Azerbaijan, the best one one!
Georgia, the Y2K nu-metal one!
Switzerland, the nice sweet boring one!
Hungary, the blonde dance diva tune that’s better than Croatia’s one!
Finland, the guy whose song is too lyrically rich to be in Eurovision one!
Russia, the other piece of shit one!
Adorable Iceland, the Kingston Trio plus another trio one!

Which means Armenia's Emmy gets to keep the second souvenir autographed boxing glove for herself.

Mysteriously, despite the seemingly important emphasis on the random order announcement, the Eurovision web site later declares that Azerbaijan were the "Semi-Final One Winners." We kinda already guessed.

And with that, after two hours and 13 minutes of nonstop sound and fury, the web stream falls dead silent, and I am left listening to the sound of my typing.

The million dollar question is: “What will Jedward do?” The answer comes on Thursday!

Mr. Lava Reports - I'm Dreaming of a White Eurovision

Like garrulous seagulls lured by crackers, a flock of shrieking white people has descended upon Düsseldorf for the Eurovision Song Contest 2011 (the first semi-final is held tomorrow). While it's true that three countries' delegations did not get the memo and sent unusually dark faces (these offenders are Norway, San Marino, and the UK--the last country having sent a man-group with one black dude in it), the remainder of the 43 competitors are wondrously light-complexioned!

This is great news for disgruntled Germans whose Aryan causes have been severely curtailed by anti-discrimination laws for decades. At last, an unabashed celebration of white culture will be held on German soil!

Human snowflakes of goodwill are settling on the Altstadt under the auspices of the towering stuffed remains of Knut the Polar Bear, a snow-white martyr for the Aryan culture that transformed Germany into the leading European power that it is today (it must be said, though, that Knut's looking a little ragged on account of being picked apart by souvenir hunters--couldn't the city have sprung for extra security?).

White though this Euroworld may be, it is not intolerant, for even Israel's Jews have been warmly welcomed on Düsseldorf's soil. That's because today there is an even greater enemy to confront: the Muslim masses that threaten to overthrow Europe and force the burqa upon us all. Do you want to wear a burqa? Fuck no!

(Muslims, it should be said, are also represented at Eurovision. They look pretty white, don't they?)

A whiter celebration--and a whiter collection of tunes--you will never find than at Eurovision 2011! Why, three nations from the Caucasus will perform in tomorrow's semi-final! Slovenia's song entry is actually called "Vanilija"!

While Europe's Top 40 is filled with the likes of American and British R&B performers of dark complexion (Rihanna, Tinchy Stryder, Snoop Dogg, Puff Diddly-Do-Good), Eurovision remains white white white! And so, standing here in the Altstadt today, I feel like one among millions of Caspers--as in the friendly ghosts--drifting like pale plankton through a pasty white sea of Eurolove!

Mr. Lava Reports - Eurovision Performers Arrive

I am in Düsseldorf ("Dull Village") to cover the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. The Eurovison Press Centre opens on Saturday, an event seen by many as the unofficial start of the Eurovision Song Contest. Rehearsals begin the following day.

So the first Eurovision performers are arriving! I spent an amusing half-hour watching the unpacking of Eric Saade (Sweden) from his crate. Even with a few loose packing peanuts stuck in his hair he looks more life-like than Madame Tussaud's best work. His blank stare is unsettling, but once he is animated by the talented Euro Disney Imagineers he will "come to life" and thrill an estimated 125 million people around the world.

I wanted to take the Maja Keuc animatronic out to the Günnewig Rheinturm Restaurant. She is a simulation of an 18 year-old Slovenian female (though in fact she has been in development since the Tito era). She is abundantly attractive and, the Eurovision site says, programmed to be "a self-critical girl, with both feet on the ground and a firm belief in the good in this world."

Sadly, Belarus's crate, which contained Anastasiya Vinnikova, arrived damaged, and rats appear to have gnawed off one-third of Ms. Vinnikova's "living skin," revealing the Terminator-like hydraulics underneath. While it is doubtful she will look herself during the first round of rehearsals, Belarus believes the biologically-engineered flesh-like substance will grow back in time for the semi-finals. More worrying than these cosmetic issues, however, is the damage done to her singing voice, which is now a deep, metallic gonging sound. A new voice-box will arrive from Minsk soon.

Mr. Lava Reports - Eurovision - Pause for Reflection

The stories that the "Mythbusters" TV show investigates are all-too-vivid reminders of the deaths of my own friends and family members. "Killer Tissue Box," "Exploding Breast Implant," "Jeans of Fire"--these and countless other tragedies have deleted loved ones from my life. (Confession: I never wear jeans.)

As I sip a cappuccino and gaze hazily upon Düsseldorf's Altstadt exactly two weeks before Eurovision, I find myself in a pensive mood.

I replay the last moments of my father's life. He is coked-up and having the time of his life as he barrels down the ski run. He playfully moons other skiers as he passes them by. And there's the arctic fox, frightened out of her den, streaking white on white across the landscape, impossible to see or avoid. A surprised yelp from both parties.

Contact. Chaos. Catastrophe.

My father sailing off a cliff, his pants around his ankles, and the terrified fox wrapped around his head like a living ushanka, their separate screams blending into one.

Impact.

My server mops off my table. I seem to have knocked over my cappuccino during the flashback. "Is OK, is ok," the server grunts for the third time this morning. He is an old Polish man who no doubt came to Düsseldorf seeking a better life. Aren't we all looking for something?

I consider leaving him a tip for his trouble, but think better of that when I remember the cost of my hotel room. How do the Eurovision delegations from less well-off countries (and considering Germany is the EU financial leader these days, that would be everyone) manage to cover their boarding costs? I think a good journalist should investigate that. Then I remember that I am supposed to be a journalist. Then I sigh with relief, remembering that I am writing only for a blog, and I can leave the tough stuff (read: boring) for the professionals.

Cheered by my newly-realized lack of responsibility, I stride out into perfect weather: sunny skies and temperatures at a perfect 20°C, enough to distract me from the receding yells of my angry server. I remind myself that my father is disco dancing in heaven with Marie-France Pisier. An arctic fox frolics at their feet.

Dance, little fox, dance! :'-)